Let’s all take a moment to appreciate how badly my life sucks.
Last night I stayed at a hotel in Austin. I’m pretty sure I got food poisoning from a slice of pizza that had been in the car for too long, but all reasons aside I woke up at 11:30 puking on myself. I rolled over & continued to vomit what appeared to be one-two-three times the content of my stomach on the carpet beside the bed.
After texting my Mom a couple of times to make sure that there was no magic button I could push to fix this for me, I cleaned myself up as best as I could & called the front desk.
While I wait I’m texting Zane, who is telling me that I can go back to sleep & the housekeepers will take care of it. All I have to do is leave my door propped open. Well thank God, I have to be up at six. So I prop the door open, cover my head with a sheet, & start drifting back to sleep.
…when there’s a knock on my door. It’s the hotel manager, yay! Only, you can imagine my shock & confusion when he handed me, in all of my vomit-covered-glory, the supplies pictured above. At first I thought that he was just being conscientious & trying not to barge in, so I opened the door a little wider. He gave me a funny look & said “Just place that bucket outside of your door when you’re finished,” & ran like Hell down the hallway.
Oh my God. I have never in my life cleaned up vomit that wasn’t from a dog & now I have to clean up my own??? Quickly I googled “How to clean up vomit” & found an eHow article because I’m pretty sure there is an eHow article for everything.
I followed the steps. I picked up what I could using latex gloves. Then I soaked up what I could using a cold towel. Then I vomited in the exact same spot because I was so grossed out by cleaning my vomit & had to start all over.
Just imagine my position. Sitting in a room that smelled like puke not only because that shit was still stuck on my nose ring, but because there was an impressively large pile of it in front of the nightstand. If I don’t clean it, I’ll owe this poor Marriott a lot of money & apologies. Also, I imagine that putrid smell would have penetrated my clothes. If I clean it, I’ll keep fucking puking. So I had to tie a towel around my face like a low-budget bankrobber & power through it.
Two hours later, I woke up & puked again. But that time some innate compass guided me to the bathroom & I sat there laughing my ass off between gags because I was so happy that I wouldn’t have to clean it up again. I can only imagine the unGodly chorus of retching & hysterical laughter that my neighbors were subject to at 2 AM.
It’s the little things in life, I guess.